Crawling Home, Prelude: a walk through the valley
You Gotta Start Somewhere: Bring it on!
THIS PIECE IS ABOUT A POEM I “WROTE”. IF YOU’D PREFER TO SKIP THE BACKSTORY AND JUMP STRAIGHT TO THE POEM (IN BOTH PRINT AND AUDIO VERSIONS), SIMPLY SCROLL TO THE END OF THIS POST.
If you’d prefer to listen rather than read, this audio track features an AI facsimile of my voice as your narrator. Thank you for being here! I hope you enjoy it.
OK, I’ll admit it. I’m afraid. Posting something this vulnerable is scary but, as a twelve-step veteran and a recovering emotional turmoil exhibitionist, I’ve kind of got the public vulnerability part mastered. The four things I’m most afraid of in this post are:
I’m publicly posting something I’ve written, and I suppose that means I am owning the moniker “writer”.
What I’m posting is a poem and one I fear some might find pretentious.
I’m going to ever-so-lightly touch the major “third rail” in the US today; politics.
The poem includes a reference to God.
Regarding #4, if you’re reading this and don’t know me well or for very long, you may be shrugging your shoulders and saying something akin to, “What’s the big deal, Dan? Lots of people use the word ‘God’.”
Well, not me!
At least, not until about a year and a half ago. Despite being a good little twelve-stepper and spending decades on my knees, I heard and felt…NADA…for over three decades! I’ll save the saga of how that changed for another time.
At this point, I have very little understanding of what I mean when I use the word “God”. Frankly, I hope it stays that way. If my use of the word makes anyone bristle, please know that, when I hear myself use it, it ruffles my feathers a bit too.
That seems perfectly reasonable to me given how frequently throughout history one group has used “God” to justify imposing their will upon another. I assure you that the last thing I want to do is to try to define a concept as profoundly ineffable as “God” for anyone but myself.
Everything in my life eventually connects to music in some way. At about 4 AM a few nights ago, I awoke and couldn’t go back to sleep. I felt a strong urge to listen to a ditty from my distant youth. A country song, nonetheless. And kind of a pop-country song at that. This is not typically one of the musical genres I am most drawn to. The song is “I Believe in You” by Don Williams. Perhaps these lines from Williams’ lyrics come close to this spiritual neophyte’s present understanding of God:
“I like to think of God as love.
He's down below, He's up above.
He's watching people everywhere.
He knows who does and doesn't care.”
How’s that for “unless you change and become like little children”?
As for #3, politics, I must admit I count myself among those who find the majority of the current administration’s policy priorities terrifying. I sincerely hope that doesn’t stop you from reading further because I don’t intend to dwell on political contention. However, the context of my personal views is important to setting the stage for the poem this is all leading to.
On November 9, 2016, I began what can only be characterized as a major mental health crisis. The causes were multifaceted, but my fears related to the direction my country had embraced loomed large in the mix. For four years, I oscillated between terror and rage. It nearly killed me. I now realize that, when I breathed a sigh of existential relief on November 7, 2020, many of my compatriots whose political perspectives starkly differ from mine began their own dark period.
One of the most valuable insights from the whole ordeal is that I don’t want to engage with politics the way I used to. Therefore, during the 2024 national campaign season, I did my damnedest not to get obsessed with the cacophony that is “the news”. I didn’t completely unplug. I didn’t lose my passion about the ideas, values and policies that are important to me.
I just did what I was taught to do in twelve-step recovery. I admitted I was powerless over politics. I asked the God I was beginning to reengage with after four or five decades wandering in the wilderness, to help me hold it together. I turned the future of our country over to the care of God, as I understand God.
However, one of the things I’ve learned about myself is that I can’t truly let go of anything until I fully experience the pain of not getting what I think I want or need. So, when I awoke at about 3 AM on November 6, 2024 and saw that the election had been called in favor of President Trump, I:
Shook a fist at the sky.
Let myself feel my anger.
Let myself feel my guilt.
Let myself feel my grief.
Cried.
Felt a multiplicity of emotions.
Tried to understand how we got here...again.
Went to my head to design methods for vanquishing perceived “evil”.
Wandered a bit longer through that ultimately dangerous "neighborhood I should never go to alone" (a.k.a. my mind) in search of a way to lovingly play some small role in repairing our division.
Wised up.
Threw my hands in the air.
Fell to my knees.
Whispered a permutation of the AA Third Step Prayer.
Returned to a poem that had been flowing through me for a couple of months.
Watched the fully formed poem this piece has been building toward, “a walk through the valley”, spill out of my unconscious.
Somehow, the process of letting this flow through me was both cathartic and it enabled me to access a "peace that passeth all understanding" that I never dreamt possible.
The recording of me reciting this poem features the Pat Metheny composition that inspired it, “The Truth Will Always Be”, playing in the background.
Thanks for your interest,
Dan
P.S. – I encourage you to check out this live version of the aforementioned Don Williams song, "I Believe in You" on YouTube.
Listening to it this week, I have been recontextualizing his presumably romantic use of the word “you” to bring to my mind those whose political, spiritual, religious and world views differ the most from mine.
Look, I am so sad and terrified about the divisions in our country. I think we have chosen a very troubling direction. And sometimes, I watch myself making the same old mistake of becoming consumed by anger and resentment. Just for Today, that is being followed by surrender. In the sense of acceptance, not capitulation.
I believe in you. All of you. All of us. Watch out, Dan! Doesn’t believing in all of us necessitate believing in oneself? In the spirit of some of the themes in the poem, I am Coming To Believe in just one “Us”. I’m referring to what I think of as the interconnected Whole. I pray that It can bind us together if we risk embracing Love over fear a little more often, One Day At a Time. I suppose that, if pushed, I would say that is my own burgeoning definition of the word “God”.
Take what you like and leave the rest!
Be well!
Without further ado, “a walk through the valley”.
a walk through the valley before the womb held in Love’s arms at peace a beam of One pure Light why must We stray and leave Our Star apart afar a plan unseen i float within a love that cries that craves return so lost in pain our fear is passed from soul to cell as true as lies appear to be a crown breaks through and screams that pain as flesh rips flesh the lie conveyed across the veil who stoked this fire that makes Us All forget We Are each i gets crushed each eye made blind the Truth obscured behind my i be still soft heart sleep tight sweet child you did not mean to harm to kill slow death each day by my own hand i learned to see through eyes sewn shut deceit now mine i blame in vain and feed the hate i vowed to quell as self meets Self the Light is seen to rise anew into the void a child once locked so deep within now takes this hand and shows a way i Love my Self All Love starts here i’m not We Are the tale effaced the lie erased the fear assuaged the Song is heard soft sweet We Sing i fade Love’s born It glows through here made One as light meets dark now Whole relax and flow release let go rest in pass through rejoin God’s LOVE ENTER THE PORTAL (A.K.A. THE “PAT’S BACK!” SOLO) Coda i’m gone We’re home and still eyes cry a part apart left trapped behind fight not the fear let Love let Me lay down your arms and rest in Mine
Thank you for trusting and sharing! I love you!
Thanks for sharing, Dan!